Sunday, November 8, 2015



my last update was on december omg that was so fucking long ago? almost a year, in fact. wow my mind is completely boggled by that fact lol

anyway, it's 3.21am. i'm not telling you the date because you'll figure that out by looking at the time stamp thing above this whole post. i'm feeling pretty bored right now, which is why i decided to go here and you know, visit some stuff of mine that i haven't opened in quite a while.

what happened in the past year so far?

okay, first of all, i'm studying in a university now which is good?? yeah it's good!! i'm still happy i got accepted considering my result wasn't much of a flatter to me, my parents and their expectations.

was i expecting more? of course i was. i thought i would have aced it or something. but the results proved otherwise lol and i don't blame it. i blame myself. i didn't put much effort into it. i really didn't. i took it way too easily. i took things for granted. in simple words, i pretty much half-assed it.
how stupid of me, really. but well, it's in the past now and there's nothing i can do about it.

was i disappointed? hell yes. at first, i couldn't even believe it. i was like "wow this is all i got? after all the so-called bullshit i went through?"

my parents were disappointed as well. i know it even if they didn't actually tell me about it. it was obvious. my dad was okay with it, i guess. my mom, however, was the complete opposite. i could see that she was so disappointed in me. she looked angry. she looked sad. she looked like all sorts of things i wish i hadn't seen. at that moment, honestly, i felt like crying and kneeling before her, felt like asking for her forgiveness. at that moment, i felt like a total failure.

but that was all in the past. i don't think they care much about it anymore. i got accepted into the uni they recommended anyway. so i guess it's fine now.

i'm on my first sem break right now. and well let me just tell you that my condition is pretty fucked up lol

being home after so long feels really good of course, but it also has its downfalls. for instance, my sleeping schedule is completely fucked up. like, completely. like why am i even awake at almost 4am in the fucking morning? my skin has gotten worse. my rash had spread to other places. basically, i'm currently a living mess right now.

though i'm sure i'll be able to pick myself up once my second semester starts. but i'm still scared for my final result. i'm not quite sure how i did last month. terrifying to even think about it ugh.

well, i guess that's all i wanna write about for now. maybe i'll update my blog again next year or something lol

the time is now 3.32am.


Thursday, December 18, 2014

everything happens for a reason.

it's been awhile since 140930 and i just think that i need to at least say something about it here.

tbh i found out about what happened quite fucking late and for that, i was pretty pissed off.

i mean, basically i was trapped inside my hostel while this thing was happening so i was pretty dumbfounded when i got home to the news.

at my hostel, a few of my friends actually brought their laptops for school assignments so i got used to seeing them doing stuff with their laptops.

then one day, my dormmate told me this rumour about you know, jessica leaving snsd and i immediately shrugged it off and told her that it was just a stupid rumour that will never come true.

and boy, was i wrong.

a few days after that, i saw the news on the newspaper and i still couldn't make myself believe the fucking news. it felt like it was all too much for me and it was impossible for it to be true.

the whole week, i was pretty emotional lol i was so moody and sad and i didn't know why i was behaving like that.

i even listened to their ballads like indestructible and divine and ended up crying but of course my dormmates weren't aware of that.

when i finally came home, the first thing i did was open my laptop and check for some news about this shit and it turned out everything was true.

everything made sense. everything hit me. and everything came tumbling down.

i was so devastated, i can't even put into words of how sad i was. i was probably an emotional wreck. i couldn't take of that bullshit. and of course, i was very pissed.

why would they do that? how did all of this happen? why must it end this way?

a lot of fucking endless questions kept playing around in my head and i couldn't seem to find the answers even if they were right in front me.

for days, i kept tweeting emo stuff on tumblr lol it was kinda stupid, now that i think of it.

i was mad then, and i'm still mad today.

but at the end of the day, i realized that things happen for a reason. and things can't always be about rainbows and sunshine. and of course, things don't last forever.

i came to realize that i took their bond for granted. i took ot9 for granted. i actually thought that they were gonna be nine forever, and that they would never fall apart.

and then reality slapped me hard in the face.

i shouldn't have taken their bond for granted because things do get wrong and they won't be the same once it's done.

i shouldn't have thought that they would be nine forever because things will never last forever.

things change.

and it starts now.

i think i've fully accepted the fact that jessica will stand alone now, with more success to come.
and of course, snsd will always be the best girl group in my eyes. they will break more and more records and become the best in many more years to come.

i still support all nine of them. as snsd and jessica jung.

maybe one day, everything will get better.

one day.

but just not today,

and that's completely fine.

jessica is and will always be my bias. nothing can ever change that. i will always love and support her.

and i'll always keep myself updated with the other eight.

those are my thoughts.


Monday, December 8, 2014


it's been awhile, hasn't it? random questions for now. will update sometime soon x

  • 1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? about some guy lol
  • 2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? yeah a few months ago. now not anymore.
  • 3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? yeah?
  • 4: Do you find it easy to trust others? yeah i trust people so easily it's kinda stupid
  • 5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? watching carmilla probably lol
  • 6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? i would never get drunk tho
  • 7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? umm kill the dude??
  • 8: Are you close with your dad? hell yeah
  • 9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? bitch pls
  • 10: What are you listening to? nothing lol but i do enjoy listening to 'night changes' by one direction yea
  • 11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? coffee fo lyf
  • 12. Do you like hickeys? never had one so idk?? tunggu kahwin ah pls
  • 13: What time do you go to bed? sometimes 2,3,4am
  • 14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? yeap
  • 15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? i'm not sure
  • 16: Do you always answer your texts? of course
  • 17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? kinda
  • 18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? before school ended sigh
  • 19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? absolutely!
  • 20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? can't remember
  • 21: Is anyone else in the room with you? nah
  • 22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? yeap
  • 23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? idk i can't really tell. i'm just happy rn that i'm free from school and stuff. but a little scared of growing up omg
  • 24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? yes
  • 25: In the past week, have you cried? don't think so
  • 26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? blue
  • 27: Do people ever call you by your last name? no
  • 28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? i think so?
  • 29: Do you have a best friend? hell yess
  • 30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? no lol fuck that person
  • 31: Who was your last call from? my mom
  • 32: Are you mad at anyone? not exactly mad but just kinda disappointed you know
  • 33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? my parents on the cheeks? lol
  • 34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? idk
  • 35: How many more days until your birthday? my birthday's on 12 january count them yourself thanks
  • 36: Do you have any summer plans yet? you mean going to college lol
  • 37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? i think i do
  • 38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? of course hahaha
  • 39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? mmhmm
  • 40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? never kissed anyone in the first place so
  • 41: Do you think age matters in relationships? yeah
  • 42: Are you available? yeap
  • 43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? i just finished high school what do you want from me omg
  • 44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? ugh none i hate piercings
  • 45: Do you believe exes can be friends? yes
  • 46: Do you regret anything? yes
  • 47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? i miss someone?
  • 48: Did you ever lose a best friend? yeah just this year and also last year lol
  • 49: Was your last kiss a mistake? stop asking about kisses gawd damn
  • 50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? because i think he would just be playing me?
  • 51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? stahp
  • 52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? i said stahpp
  • 53: What was the last thing you ate? some keropok ikan idk
  • 54: Did you get any compliments today? no lol
  • 55: Where are you going on your next vacation? sometime this month maybe
  • 56: Do you own anything from other countries? i don't get what you mean hm
  • 57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? girls ma babes
  • 58: Where have you lived most of your life? serdang raya
  • 59: When was the last time you took a long drive? i actually can't remember omg
  • 60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? yeah
  • 61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? dafuq is that
  • 62: Who do you text the most? ma gurls
  • 63: What was the last movie you saw? yes or no
  • 64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? don't even have one lol
  • 66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? fucking stahp
  • 67: Do you curse around your parents? of course not lmao
  • 68: Are you happy with where you live? yeah
  • 69. Picture of yourself? no
  • 70. Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? monogamous
  • 71. Have you ever been dumped? yeah lol
  • 72. What do you most like about making out? never made out with anyone shit
  • 73. Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? ok stop
  • 74. When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? i told you to stop :(
  • 75. What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? jawline, hands, collarbones, hair ugh
  • 76. Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? my mom?
  • 79. What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face? morning and goodnight texts
  • 80. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? hell no lol
  • 81. Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? yeah
  • 82. Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? not really. i seldom have crushes irl tho
  • 83. Do you miss your last sweetie? wat
  • 85. Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met? no
  • 86. How can I win your heart? idk be cheesy and shit yeah that will do
  • 87. What is your astrological sign? capricorn
  • 88. What were you doing last night at 12 AM? still watching carmilla
  • 89. Do you cook? nope but i'm gonna learn how to soon
  • 90. Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? wtf is an old flame
  • 91. If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? kinda
  • 94. Name four things that you wish you had: more money, bravery, confidence, looks
  • 95. Are you a player? no
  • 97. Are you a tease? sometimes
  • 99. Have you ever been deeply in love with someone? i guess so
  • 101. Hugs or Kisses? hugs x
  • 102. Are you too shy to ask someone out? yeah lol
  • 103. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? his face lol
  • 104. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? yeah i like that very much
  • 106. Do you flirt a lot? with girls, yes lol
  • 112. Does someone like you currently? i'm pretty sure no lol
  • 113. Do you currently have feelings for anyone? not exactly feelings but idk
  • 114. Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? i don't call it flings
  • 116. Are you happier single or in a relationship? i'm not quite sure myself i mean being single feels free while being in a relationship makes me feel tied or smth idk it worries me a lot